It was Christmas Eve in Tokyo-3, and Misato Katsuragi was in a grumpy mood. Her date, the enigmatic Ryoji Kaji, had disappeared for the evening to do some last minute shopping. Worse, her two charges--Shinji Ikari and Asuka Langley Sohryu--were out with him. She was all alone on Christmas Eve! All alone in the apartment, with nobody but a penguin and a bottle of scotch to keep her company. And she was about to open the bottle and pour herself a shot of comfort, when--

--there was a knock at the door!

Whoever could it be? Misato thought, straightening out her useless party dress as she walked out of the kitchen to answer the knock. She opened the door, and lo! Three young Christmas carolers were outside on her doorstep! Toji Suzuhara stood in the middle, flanked by Kensuke Aida and Kaoru Nagisa. All three wore bright red Santa hats, and Kaoru had an enormous sack on his back.

While Misato stood dumbfounded in the doorway, the three boys broke into exuberant (and not unrehearsed) song:

"We three kids of Tokyo are
Keeping you from hitting the bar
An otaku, albino and jock
Caroling here from afar...

"Kaji put us three up to this
Worried that you would go and get pissed
Drink your juice, wrap your car 'round a spruce
You would be deeply missed...

"Katsuragi, major beaut',
Serenading's really a hoot
Invite us in, toast us with gin,
And serve us some drinks to boot!"

Each boy sang a solo line, then came together for the concluding line:

"Camera, I left it at home."
"Little sister isn't alone."
"Enigmatic, feeling dramatic."
"Please give us dogs a bone!"

As the three held the last note in a fermata, Misato smiled and applauded. "Come in, boys, come on in!" she said. "So Kaji put you up to this? To keep me company while he chaperones those two? I get it."

Searching through the fridge, Misato produced a bottle of orange juice and poured three glasses. She set them on the counter next to where the three boys, still in a row, were standing. "Drink up, drink up!" she said as she poured herself three fingers of scotch. "Sorry Shinji isn't here to host..."

Acting on cue, the three boys burst into their second song, with Kaoru adding additional lyrics:

"Shinji the EVA Wuss-Boy (Wuss-Boy)
Had a very tiny spine,
And if you ever saw it (saw it)
You would know why Shinji whines (it's so tiny!)

"Asuka the Second pilot (pilot)
Used to laugh and call him names (like 'baka'!)
She never let poor Shinji (Shinji)
Get past second base with dames (like Rei-chan!)"

Kensuke went solo for two lines:

"Then against the spider Angel
His dad came to say..."

Toji lowered his voice and sang:

"Shinji with your tiny spine,
Shoot the bastard. You'll do fine."

All three boys joined in for the final verse:

"Then how the UN loved him,
Tokyo all said with glee,
'Shinji, ignore the Demon,
You'll go down in history!' (like the Second Impact!)"

Misato, looking a little red across the cheeks, laughed and clapped. "This is fun," she admitted, "but I think if Asuka-chan were here, she'd be furious with you boys."

Toji turned to the next page in their songbook, and they began anew:

"Run for the hills
Asuka is here
Ready to kill
Drinks German beer

"Picks on the Third
Moves to his room
Treats him like turd
Steals your perfume

"Der Redhead
Or Der Furher
Better off dead
than stuck with her

"Please send her back!
She is a curse!
Angels are bad
She's even worse!

"When will she go?
Why does she stay?
All Tokyo
Comes here to say:

"Can't you NERV people send
Her right back home to her Deutchland?

"No such thing as Merry Christmas!
No such thing as Merry Christmas!

"Mm...mm...mm...mm... mm!"

Misato tried to smile at the boys, but stopped when she realized that where there had been three, there were now six. They were also leaning off to one side, and shimmering in and out of focus. So she smiled at the three that looked the nicest and let it go at that. "You...ah, you got any shongsh about Rei?" she slurred.

Kensuke, Toji and Kaoru drew closer together and began singing as gently as they could:

"Silent Rei
Quiet Rei
Doesn't talk all the day
Sits and stares out the window pane
I don't know what goes on in her brain
Keep your eyes off of me...
Keep your eyes off of me...

"Silent Rei
Yummy Rei
Sexy in a spooky way
Bends way over to pick up her towel
All the boys stare while the other girls scowl
Give yourself a wedgie...
Give yourself a wedgie...

"Silent Rei
Stupid Rei
Cleanliness is kept at bay
Lives in a pigsty and she doesn't care
Walk right in and you'll see her quite bare
Shinji-kun is the mac...
Shinji-kun is the mac..."

Slouching heavily against the countertop, Misato tried to applaud. Her gaze fell like a lump of lead to the three untouched glasses of orange juice at Kaoru's elbow. Or elbows, her vision was really starting to get blurry. "Hey, drink up, drink up," she admonished however many boys were in front of her. "Um, and is there any scotch left in this bottle?"

"Uh-huh," Kensuke said. "There's half the bottle left, Misato-san."

"Aw, hell, might as well not let it go to waste." Tilting the bottle back, Misato drank it in one go. Awkwardly slamming the bottle down on the countertop, she absently wiped the corner of her mouth on the back of her hand. "Be honest," she said, staggering towards the three boys, "Kaji didn't have to work hard to put you boys up to this, now, did he?"

"Nope!" Toji said emphatically.

"Well...that's good. I was going somewhere with that thought, but it seems to have slipped my mind. Merry Christmas, boys!" she hollered, causing her breasts to begin their gentle migration out from underneath her dress' neckline. "How...how 'bout you sing another song?"

Taking a moment to get their raging hormones under control, the boys turned another page in the songbook and began to sing:

"Oh, the weather inside is frightful,
But the view inside's delightful
It's a reason that we all know,
Mi-sa-to, Mi-sa-to, Mi-sa-to!

"Oh, with strategy she's a hellion,
And she's got enormous melons,
How big does your bra size go?
Pen-pen knows, Pen-pen knows, Pen-pen knows!

"When you pass out from all the booze..."

"Wait, wait, wait." Misato held up her hand, and the boys stopped. "I wanna sing. I wanna sing too..."

"Oh, the Section 1 Chief's a bother,
And she's boffing Shinji's father...
Uh..."

Straining to think, Misato collapsed onto the floor in an alcohol-induced stupor, causing her entire dress to peel down to her waist, exposing her enormous bosoms to the cold linoleum. The three boys didn't even notice. They were in too much shock over the sudden revelation about their friend's father's private life.

At last, Kaoru had the presence of mind to say, "That's more than I ought to know."

And in perfect unison, Kensuke and Toji concluded, "Ritsuko, she's a ho, she's a ho!"

Copyright 2002,2005 Daniel Snyder. Permission granted to distribute in any digital/binary/e-mail format; however, any physical printout is strictly prohibited. Based on characters created by GAINAX. Shin Seiki Evangelion/Neon Genesis Evangelion is the intellectual property of and copyrighted by GAINAX, adapted by Sega of America, AD Vision and Viz Comics for North America. Any resemblance to persons living or deceased is purely coincidental.