A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

Turmoil has engulfed the Anime Republic. The taxation of snack foods on the periphery of the galaxy has served to make just about everyone grumpy. Hoping to resolve the situation, Jinnai Enterprises has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Foosheegee.

While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two extremely handsome Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict...

The Captain of a Republic cruiser is entering into negotiations to permit boarding of the Jinnai Enterprise's head ship. She is speaking to the conspicuously noseless head honcho.

Ruri-chan: With all due respect for the Trade Federation, these two gorgeous Ambassidors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately.
Nanami: Yeah, whatebver. You no dat our blocabe is perbectly legal, and de Ambassadors you're sendig ober are too goody-goody to do jack shit. Send 'em ober.
Ruri-chan: Idiot.

The ship docks in the docking bay (duh) and a Protocol Droid comes out to greet the ambassadors. They are dressed in dark robes.

Robe #2: Da! Why the hell didn't you remind me to take my space sickness pills, no da! I've had the trots for two light years, na no da!
Robe #1: If you even THINK about barfing on me, I'll turn you into mu gu gai pan before you can blink.
Robe #2: I know that, no da! That's why I'm saying...
Nuku Nuku: Ohayo! I'm Protocol Android 1124, but everyone calls me Nuku Nuku! I'll be escorting you to the room where you're going to get shot!
Robe: #2: Da?
Robe #1: Eh?
Nuku Nuku: I...mean...shot for nice press photos! So that the Congress knows we're nice, law abiding monopolists! Now, please come with me.

They move off down the hall to a conference room. The door slides open and the Protocol Droid shows them in.

Nuku Nuku: I hope you will make yourselves at home. You will be with your god shortly.
Robe #1: Eh?
Robe #2: Da?
Nuku Nuku: Eh hee hee hee...I mean, my master will be with you shortly. (slumps shoulders and trudges out) Nuku Nuku isn't any good at hiding the obvious...

The doors close behind her. The two figures take off their robes to reveal that they are Emperor Hotohori and the monk Chichiri.

Chichiri: I have a bad feeling about this, no da.
Hotohori: I don't sense anything.
Chichiri: It's not about the mission, Emperor, it's something...elsewhere...elusive.
Hotohori: Don't center on your anxiety, monk. Keep your concentration on me, where it belongs.
Chichiri: Master Cherry says I should also think about things like enlightenment and making people happy, no da...
Hotohori: .....but not at the expense of me. Be mindful of how handsome you could look with my resources, young monk.
Chichiri: Da! By the by, how do you think the trade viceroy will deal with
the chancellor's demands, no da?
Hotohori: She's a total bitch when it comes to money, but she has no clue about how to deal with people in real life. Piece o' cake for a handsome hunka burnin' love like me.

Meanwhile, up on the bridge, the shit is hitting the fan.

Nanami: Whad? Whad did you say?
Nuku Nuku: Wul, they're Jedi Knights. That was it. Hey, fish! (exits)
Fujisawa: I knew id! Dey were send do force a sedlemend!

A moment later, Nanami has put together a regiment of their finest Battle Droids and sent them down to the freshly chlorinated conference room. One cautiously opens the door as the Battle Droids ready their weapons. Out stumbles:

Nuku Nuku: What fish? I don't know anything about any fish!
Battle Droids: Pika pi pikachu?

Light sabers flashing, Hotohori and Chichiri cut through their adorable knee-high adversaries. On the bridge, Nanami and Makoto watch nervously.

Makoto: Hab you eber endcoundered a Jedi Knighd before, Nanabi-chab?
Nanami: Oh, cub on, our muddy's good whereber we go!
Makoto: I don'd dink dad will be enough, Nanabi.
Nanami: Where da hell are doze Destroyer Droids?

A regiment of Squirtles rolls into position in a corridor labeled "The Corridor of Certain Death" in English, Japanese, Chinese, French, Spanish, Italian, Esperanto and Norwegian. Hotohori stands before a sign pointing to the corridor in question and ponders it for a moment.

Hotohori: I'm getting a message through the Force...we SHOULDN'T GO THIS WAY!
Chichiri: Hot damn, no da! How does he do it?

Chichiri and Hotohori run away, pursued by the Destroyer Droids. Makoto, Nanami and Fujisawa watch from the bridge.

Makoto: We hab dem on de run, Nanabi-chan.
Nanami: Ha ha ha! Nobody geds between me and my profid! Dere's no way do escabe!
Nuku Nuku: Unless they crawl up into the air ducts, right?

Makoto, Nanami and Fujisawa glare at Nuku Nuku.

Nuku Nuku: What? Did I say something again?

Hotohori and Chichiri drop out of an air duct onto the floor, stand up, pose, let their hair billow dramatically, then sneak behind a large, convenient crate. Thousands of Battle Droids are loading onto landing craft.

Battle Droids: Pika! Pika! Pikachu!
Hotohori: Battle Droids!
Chichiri: It's an annoying army, no da!
Hotohori: All right. Here's what we'll do. We'll sneak aboard the ships and meet down on Foosheegee and try to contact Chancellor Ikari.
Chichiri: Why don't we just use my hat, no da?
Hotohori: Too simple. The way of the Force is to do as much neat stuff as possible going from point A to point B.
Chichiri: No wonder you're the brains around here, no da!

On the bridge, the El Hazard folks are receiving a call from the planet of Foosheegee. On the screen is Queen Yui, surrounded by her advisers and her handmaidens.

Tasuki: Who the *^&$ are you callin' a MAIDEN, little boy? WHO? ME? I don't ^&$ing think so! I got a huge--

By her advisors and her handgentlemen. She is dressed in elaborate robes and has funky hair.

Nanami: Again you cub before me, Your Highdness. De Federation is pleased.
Yui: You will not be pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroy...your trade boycott of our planet has ended.

Nanami enjoys a little bit of a chuckle at THAT one. Yui grinds her teeth.

Nanami: I was nod aware of sudge a failure.
Yui: I have word that the Senate is finally voting on this blockade of
yours.
Nanami: Your ass is grass, ad I'm a mower.
Yui: Up yours! I'm aware the Chancellor's Ambassadors are with you now.
Nanami: Ambassadors? You guys know addydig aboud ambassadors?
Makoto: No.
Fujisawa: No.
Nuku Nuku: Nope. Don't know anything about two incredibly handsome guys in funky robes sneaking around and getting gassed.
Yui: Hell!

She pulls out a .22 and blows the communicator to smitherenes. Two of her retainers sigh and cart it away, while two more pull out another one. On line one is Senator Pedipalpatine, a kindly looking woman with even funkier hair.

Diva: ...How could that be true? I have assurances from the Chancellor...his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be the...get...negotiate...
Yui: Senator Pedipalpatine?

The hologram disappears. Queen Yui looks hopefully at the captain of the guard.

Nakago: Could be the transmission generators. Could be the Jinnai folks jamming us.
Taiitsu-kun: Oh, my! That means that they're probably going to be invading us!
Yui: Well, let's just launch some ICBMs at their rear ends and be done with it.
Nakago: An excellent suggestion, Your Highness, with just two small flaws. One, we haven't got any ICBMs, and two, we haven't got any ICBMs. Now, I realize that that might seem like only one point, but I thought that it was so important I'd mention it twice.
Yui: Then we will continue to rely on negotiation.
Taiitsu-kun: Negotiation? We've lost all communications! Except for that one screen that shows you getting...
Yui: Yes, yes, yes, now shut up before I start distributing death sentences like party favors.
Nakago: Your Highness, our security volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army.
Yui: I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war. Unless I'm feeling grumpy. Which I'm not, yet. So there.
Taiitsu-kun: Your Highness, how about a nice cup of tea to calm down.
Yui: No, I would NOT LIKE ANY STUPID CUP OF TEA TO CALM ME DOWN! I AM AS COOL AS A FRIGGING CUCUMBER, AND I HAVE ALL MY WITS ABOUT ME TO HELP MY PEOPLE GET THE SNACK FOODS THEY NEED! NOW SHUT UP AND GET ME THE DAMNED AMBASSADORS!

Hotohori runs through the Foosheegee landscape, but somehow stays clean, and only gets sweaty in a sexy kind of way, even though he has a Charmander bearing down on his butt. As he runs along, he inadvertainly runs into a huge dinner table covered with dirty crockery, knocking it all over. The woman at the head end of the table looks bereaved.

Lina: Muooooooo!
Hotohori: Sorry. Get down.

He manfully throws himself onto Lina. The Charmander zooms by overhead, completely missing them. Lina is soaked in mud but safe, Hotohori hasn't got a speck on him...until he tries to stand up. Lina is holding onto him, and she isn't letting go.

Lina: Oo! Bishounen, aren't you?
Hotohori: Get off of me, commoner! You and your damned picnic table just about got me dirty! Not to mention dead!
Lina: Are you royalty, perchance?

Hotohori tries to shake Lina off, to no avail.

Lina: No, no! Please, handsome prince, take me with you!
Hotohori: Sorry. Not interested.
Lina: Oh, but you must! It's a cliche: the handsome prince saves the beautiful common girl in distress, and marries her and they live happily ever after and get to eat really good food all day long.

Meanwhile, a hat appears for no adequately explained reason over Lina's face. As she's looking up, Chichiri drops out of it. The sudden weight on her face causes her to peel off of Hotohori and flop over into the mud, narrowly missing taking a Jigglypuff in the gut--and we all know how painful THAT is!

Chichiri: Da! Sorry, Emperor. I couldn't find you at first, and nobody would stop to give me directions, no da.
Hotohori: Oh, that's a good excuse, all right. Meanwhile, I'm stuck with this flat-chested commoner crawling over me...
Lina: Excuse me? Are you criticizing my gorgeous figure? How dare you! But I'll forgive you just this once.
Chichiri: Who the heck are you, na no da?
Lina: Moi? I am Lina Inverse, sorceress supreme and swordswoman without par. Wherever...
Chichiri: Lina Inverse? The Dragon-Spooker?
Lina: Erg. My reputation precedes me, I see. Yeah, yeah, that Lina Inverse.
Hotohori: Well, as a longtime resident of this area, would you know anywhere that two Jedi Knights could hide out in for a few days?
Lina: Oh, yeah! You guys could come to Seyruun with me...but...
Chichiri: ...but it's that time of the month, so we have to walk, no da?
Lina: Dickhead. No, it's a long story. C'mon, it's better than dying with a horde of overmerchandized cartoon characters.

Moments later, Lina's magic has carried them to the magical underwater city of Seyruun. It is an absolutely tastelessly decorated sham, with statues of hideous women everywhere and people wearing nothing but vinyl leather imitations. Lina summons the attention of the local constabulary.

Lina: Yoo-hoo, Philionel! I'm back! Did you miss me?
Philionel: Ho! It's Lina Inverse, showing her head in this loving and just land again! Well, you've got an appointment with Boss Naga, lady, so move it. And bring those two pretty boys with you.
Lina: How wude.
Hotohori: Come again?
Chichiri: What have we gotten ourselves into, na no da?

Lina, Hotohori and Chichiri are marched through the city to the lair of Boss Naga. It's quite possibly the most hideous 300 square feet in the entire city, certainly the only one whose interior decoration consists of nothing but strobe lights and electrical tape. Their tete-a-tete with the Boss is not going well.

Naga: OH-HO-HO-HO-HO! What nerve, those jerk-offs in the Jinnai joint! To go around making cheap rip-offs of imaginary cartoon animals, when they could be basing their designs on ME, the White Serpent!
Hotohori: Yes, well, their army is dangerous, and it's heading straight for the Foosheegee. We need to hurry and warn them.
Naga: Now, we down here don't really associate with those romantic- comedy-melodrama types, and they keep away from us comedy-drama- fantasy types. Always have. Always will.
Chichiri: But you'll be next on their list, no da!
Naga: OH-HO-HO-HO-HO! I'm sure my magic will keep them in fear, and my devestatingly good looks will entice them to lay down their arms!
Hotohori: Then speed us on our way.
Naga: Eh? Round here, we "just say no!"
Chichiri: Let us leave, he means, no da.
Naga: Oh, right, I knew that. Well, we can give you Blue Submarine #6 to help you along, I suppose.
Hotohori: If I may ask, what's going to happen to that young lady who helped us?

He indicates Lina, who is bound head to toe, except for a large sign over her breasts that reads, "Nothing to see here, folks!" She is pouting and sniffling.

Naga: She is to be punished, because she's a flat-chested little girl with awful taste.
Lina: Since when is not being physically mature a crime?
Naga: Since Tuesday.

She lifts up a large book labeled "The Rules" and flips open to a page wherein is written, in nice new handwriting, "Not being physically mature is a crime."

Chichiri: Da! I hope her punishment will not be too severe.
Naga: Slugs.

Lina faints dead away, but Hotohori catches her as she falls.

Hotohori: (hoo boy, I'm going to hate myself for this in the morning) Listen, Ms. Serpent. I've been set up in a cliche romance with this Lina Inverse since we met. Your gods demand that she belongs to me, we...uh...must live our lives together, and *gulp* settle down and start a family. Plus, we need a navigator anyway. Let us take her with us, and we promise she won't bother you and the Slayers anymore.
Naga: Fine by me. Get out of here.

Their walk through Seyruun to the docking bay does not go well for the Emperor. Their navigator is claiming a sudden, incapacitating case of shin splints and says she can't even walk, so he's been forced to carry her in his arms. In addition, his understudy is looking a lot more Liverpudlian than he did before.

Chichiri: "In the tewn...where I was buorn...lived a men...who saieled the sees...end he tuold...us of his laiyf...in the lend...of submareens..."
Hotohori: Both of you are going to be in deep trouble the minute I get to give death sentences again.
Lina: Lucky! We got a nice big sub. OK, Mr. Chichiri, you sit there. Emperor, you sit here. I'll sit here.
Hotohori: On my LAP???
Lina: Well, of course. It's important that I get as nice a seat as possible. Now Chichiri, I want you to prime the ignition by initiating the rear thrust, revving it to 5000 RPMS then letting it level back to 2000, pressurize the main cabin and batton all hatches, then we'll begin the final countdown.
Chichiri: Da!

He gives the control panel a stout kick in the front and the sub zooms back away from the dock under its own power. Their trip is a perilous one. All around them are huge fish, with mouths full of sharp teeth and glistening eyes. Lina makes eye contact with one particularily intimidating specimen.

Lina: Oh, me!

She twists around, only to see another.

Lina: Oh, my!

She twists around and around, mortified at the terrors of the deep. Of course, Emperor Hotohori the Exceptionally Red-Faced still has her on his lap.

Lina: Eek! Yipe! Ah!
Chichiri: "Sky of bluuuuue...and sea of greeeeeeen...in our yellowwww....sub-marine..."
Hotohori: *vein pops out in forehead*

Meanwhile, up in space, Nanami and Makoto are getting in touch with the sinister force that is the true power behind all this chaos, Darth Diva.

Nanami: De imbajun is ob schedule, My Laby.
Diva: Good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. By the time this incident comes up for a vote, they will have no choice but to
accept your control of the system.
Nanami: De Queen had grade fade dad da Senade will side wid her.
Diva: Queen Yui is cat food. You will find controlling her will not be difficult. You have done well, Viceroy.
Nanami: I would gib ub my body for a probid! I would gib up my soul for a probid! I would gib ub my node for a probid!

Diva fades away. Nanami turns around to see Makoto sweating nervously.

Makoto: You didn' dell her aboud de missig Jedi?
Nanami: I would gloss ober de minor dedails for a probid!

On the far side of Foosheegee the little submarine pops to the surface and burbles its way to a convenient dock. The three occupants scramble out, thankful to be free of the confines of the submarine. But it is too late. They are no sooner ashore than they are attacked by a Battle Droid.

Battle Droid: Pi pi pika!
Hotohori: *zwerm* Boy, that felt good.

The three walk off into the city. Although they do not know it, their mission is for naught. Queen Yui, Nakago, Taiitsu-kun and the five handmaidens

Tasuki: What the #%&* IS it with you? Does the word "testosterone" mean JACK to you, buttmunch?

Queen Yui, Nakago, Taiitsu-kun and the five handfellows are being held hostage by a variety of Pocket Monsters, overseen personally by Nanami and Makoto.

Taiitsu-kun: ...how will you explain this invasion to the Senate?
Nanami: De Foosheegee and Jinnai will forge a dready dat will legidimize our occupation, and ged me a fad bangk roll.
Yui: I will not co-operate.
Nanami: Duff shid, Queen. As for your people, deir sufferig will bersuade you do see our boind of biew.
Makoto: Nanabi-chab, are you sure dis id a good idea?
Nanami: I said I would gib ub my body for a probid, bud I'd radder gib ub somebody else's. Process dem!
Battle Droid: Pika pi pika!

The lot of them are marched out through the spacious hallways of the palace.

Yui: Psst, Captain, why don't you think of a way to fight them?
Nakago: I'm hoping they'll kill you before they kill me. While they're distracted doing that...

Suddenly, Chichiri's hat appears, and then Chichiri, Hotohori and Lina beneath it. Chichiri and Hotohori start dispatching Battle Droids with their light sabers and Lina tosses a few fireballs around. The Queen and everyone else are wowed.

Hotohori: Your Highness, we are the Ambassadors, for the Supreme Chancellor.
Taiitsu-kun: Your negotiations seem to have failed, Ambassador.
Hotohori: Silence, crone. I'm not talking to you, am I? Does it look like I have ANYTHING to say to you?
Chichiri: The negotiations never took place, no da. Your Highness, we must make contact with the republic.
Nakago: They've knocked out all our communications.
Hotohori: WHAT THE HELL DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO TALK TO TOP BRASS AROUND HERE?
Chichiri: Do you have transports, no da?
Nakago: In the main hanger. This way.

They run off down a corridor and take a hard left. Lina and Chichiri smack into a dead end labeled "WRONG WAY".

Nakago: Oops. Heh heh. I mean, this way.

The entire retinue heads off to the main hanger. Hotohori resents having to run along side Nakago because Yui hasn't been fielding any questions whatsoever, and after all, he's important enough to merit a personal answer now and again, thank you so very much. They run into the hanger and find about fifty Battle Droids milling around.

Nakago: There are too many of them.
Lina: That won't be a problem.
Chichiri: Your Highness, under the circumstances, I suggest you come to Kimagure with us, no da.
Yui: Thank you, Ambassador, but my place is here with my people.
Hotohori: She finally speaks. Thank the gods. Your Highness, they will kill you if you stay.
Taiitsu-kun: They wouldn't dare.

Hotohori turns his back on the whole lot of them and starts pouting. Chichiri takes up the slack.

Chichiri: The situation here is not what it seems, na no da. There is something else behind all this, Your Highness, my feelings tell me they will destroy you, no da.
Taiitsu-kun: Your Highness, I will stay here and do what I can...I'll probably get killed because I'm not as young and sexy as anyone else. But you must leave...
Yui: Then I will plead our case before the Senate. Be careful, Governor.

They all run out of the hangar towards the very coolest spaceship in the whole fleet. A bunch of Guard Droids are surrounding the crew of the ship.

Nakago: We need to free those pilots. I mean, one of you guys needs to free those pilots.
Chichiri: I'll take care of that, no da! Yoo-hoo, Mr. Guard Droid! I'm the Ambassador for the Supreme Chancellor, and I'm taking these people to Kimagure, no da!
Guard Droid: Chaaaaa!
Akito: Yurika, Meg-chan, everyone, GET DOWN!

Hotohori lurches out of his snit to help mow down some Guard Droids. Their mad dash inside succeeds. Everyone piles into the main cabin, buckles their seatbelts, and puts their seatbacks and tray tables in the full upright position.

Yurika: Hi there, everyone! I'm the captain! Now, let me tell you all about the wonderful safety features of this butt-kicking spacecraft, manufactured with pride right here in Foosheegee. Emergency exits...
Jun: Yurika, we need you in the cabin to take over from the autopilot.
Yurika: Right. *gives everyone the V for Victory symbol* Be right back! Pilot, you take over for me.
Gai: Listen close. There's no friggin' emergency exits, and if this ship gets hit once, we die. But WE DIE WITH HONOR! WE DIE AS A TEAM! WE DIE TO MAKE THIS GALAXY A BETTER, SAFER PLACE FOR EVERYONE!
Hotohori: *near tears* I feel so...plebian...

On to Part 2!