(we start with a pan across an unidentifiable East Coast town. All of a sudden, there is an abrupt stop on...nothing. We now start panning across, following the nothing)

(typed caption: NORTHERN MASSACHUSETTES)

(long pan across the sky, shot upward from a street, at the nothing)

(typed caption: YES, WE KNOW YOU'RE NOT SEEING ANYTHING)

(pan across one last patch of sky, then stop on a golf course, around Hole 14)

(typed caption: THAT'S THE POINT)

[fade to black]

[fade in]

(weird, whistley spooky music comes on over shots of a flying saucer)

(hands trace out results on a bubble chamber photo)

(plasma ball)

(caption: PARANORMAL ACTIVITY)

(shot from behind of something shuffling down a corridor)

(caption: GOVERNMENT DENIES KNOWLEDGE)

(a man and a woman walk into a room with bazookoids, generally blasting the hell out of everyting)

(shots of the Cat yowling, Kryten trying to say "Smeghead", and Rimmer saluting, superimposed over Lister gagging on former catering officer Olaf Petersen)

(caption: THEY'RE ALL DEAD, DAVE)

(an eye is superimposed over a windswept landscape)

(caption: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE)

(brief pause, then another caption: OF COURSE, SO IS A HELL OF A LOT OF OTHER SMEG)

[fade to black]

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Space: Above and Beyond--we rip off "Melrose Place"

[fade up on a shot of Washington DC, probably featuring a building that hasn't been attacked by terrorists recently]

(caption: WASHINGTON DC)

(cut to a rather cluttered little room that must have been functioning as a broom closet recently. It is absolutely covered in pictures. As we pan down, we go past: A picture of a UFO with "Die Die Die" written on it in magic marker; a "Chameleonic Government Authorities? No Thanks" poster; a pin-up, but the head has been digitally altered to look like an alien grey; and a picture of a rather dishevelled young man who looks like he has been hit on the back of the head recently. Pan further down to pick up that very man, in as identical a pose as possible, but with reading glasses. His name is Fox Mulder, and he is reading the "Junior Encyclopedia of Space". All at once he looks up)

(cut to a smartly dressed woman with rather pursed lips. She is Dana Scully. The two are partners...I mean, as FBI agents, nothing else).

Scully: You wanted to talk, Mulder?

Mulder: Scully! I didn't hear you come in.

Scully: (matter-of-factly) I'm wearing bunny slippers today.

(Mulder thinks about this for a moment, then leans back in his chair, ostensibly to look around his desk)

(cut to a pair of feet with pink bunny slippers on them)

(cut back to Mulder)

Mulder: Have a seat.

(full room view. Scully sits down at a chair in front of Mulder's desk. It has about two cubic yards of junk on it. Scully unthinkingly pushes a good deal of it off onto the floor, exposing some actual desk. She looks expectently at Mulder)

Mulder: What do you know about...[brief dramatic pause]...big orange swirly things?

Scully: Nothing.

Mulder: Damn. I'm stuck on this one, too. I was hoping your physics would have covered astral chromatography or something.

Scully: Never mind. What's in the X-file?

Mulder: (pulls out a file) Two days ago a large orange swirly thing appeared in the sky over a small town in Massachusettes. Local authorities were baffeled, but no damage was done, no fatalaties, no clues, nothing.

Scully: So why are we being called in?

Mulder: Two reasons, basically. One, the Federal Aviation Administration considers it a hazard. Apart from one recent appearence in England, with the disappearance of two entertainment personalities, there's no previous record of anything of this kind. Nobody really knows what it is.

Scully: And two?

Mulder: We don't work on comission.

Scully: (chews this over for a few moments) So where are we off to?

Mulder: Somewhere in Massachusettes. It's got an Indian name...(checks the file) Inmaquiddock. No, that's not right. Immakidduck? Imaquiddicoq?

Scully: Let me see that...It's Immididdiquk. No, Innaquidok.

Mulder: Inokididik?

(establishing shot of one of those cars that's always called "unmarked" even though you can spot it as a Fed's car from a mile away, driving on a turnpike)

(caption: INNIKIDDIK)
(caption deletes itself)
(caption: IMNOQUIDOK)
(caption deletes itself again)
(caption: NORTHERN MASSACHUSETTES)

(car pulls into a parking lot. Scully gets out the driver's side, Mulder is riding shotgun. That's American slang for "next to the driver in the front". They walk into a family owned store)

(interior. Scully and Mulder enter. Scully walks down the main aisle to the cash register, Mulder detours over to one of the other aisles)

(Scully walks up to the counter and speaks with the proprietor)

Scully: Are you Nicholas Smith?

Smith: I am.

Scully: Special Agent Scully, FBI. This is my...(notices Mulder isn't next to her) Mulder! Get over here!

(Mulder enters the shot with an open Snapple)

Scully: This is my parter, Special Agent Mulder.

Smith: Hello. Welcome to Jonesborough.

(Mulder and Scully are a bit nonplussed)

Mulder: Umm...isn't this Inno-whachamacallit?

Smith: Hell, nobody could pronounce that name. We changed it decades ago.

(Mulder and Scully exchange a look)

Scully: I see. Mr. Smith, Deputy Hawkins tells us that you've been keeping a close eye on the...um...orange thing reports.

Smith: Yes, ma'am. Saw it with my own eyes. Drew the design down as a handsome lithograph. It's yours for $25.

(Scully takes the sheet and shows it to Mulder. On the paper we see a cloudy sky, with what appears to be a whirlpool. An arrow, with the caption "Orange", is penciled in in a rather shakey hand)

Mulder:(shucks out a few dollars) That's for the tea, too. Now, Mr. Smith, did this object move at all?

Smith: Yeah. It kind of swirled.

Mulder: No, I mean did it change it's location in the sky at all?

Smith: Oh. No, no, not really.

Mulder: (starts getting a little excited) What about color? Did it change color?

Smith: No, it just stayed orange.

Mulder: Fine. You say it was big?

(Scully starts looking a little worried)

Smith: Yeah. Big.

Mulder: How big? As big as a football field? Could it have had multiple occupants? Was there a windshield, or turn signals? Did you see my sister in the immediate area?

(Scully yanks the Snapple out out of Mulder's hand and tosses a good deal of it onto his face)

Mulder: Sorry, I guess I was getting a bit excited. Forgive me.

Smith. Maybe. You need a new pen? (holds up a pen with the words "Swirly Thing" written on it) It's got orange ink. $5.

Mulder: (to Scully) You'd better hang on a bit, this could be expensive.

(cut to exterior. Scully, who we now see is no longer wearing the bunny slippers, is waiting expectantly for Mulder. She is holding his coat for him, and is desperately trying to surpress a smile)

(cut to store's doorway. Mulder comes out, wearing a hat with the swirly thing [in orange] stitched onto it, an orange tote bag under one arm, and clutching a great number of pens and pencils. He has the shirt he was wearing draped over one arm, and is wearing a t-shirt that reads "I Saw the Big Orange Thing")

Mulder: (not amused) How do I look?

Scully: (giggling) Like a refugee from Disneyland. What are you going to do with all that junk?

Mulder: I figure I can unload some of it on the Lone Gunmen. They think December 25th was chosen to celebrate Jesus's birthday to coincide with some pagan fertility festivals. They celebrate Christmas in March, but exchange gifts twice a year.

Scully: A papal cover-up, that's a new one. What did you find out?

Mulder: Most of the reports come from the east side of town, so I guess that's where we should head off to next. (Begins to put on shirt; they walk over to the car) He insisted on telling me his theory that the thing was somehow related to an incident of fish raining in France, and the spontaneous combustion of a Polish mayor.

Scully: Sounds like you two will get along well.

Mulder: Would. He died.

Scully: What? Why?

Mulder: We get more ratings with a high body count.

(cut to the car driving down a minor street in that same town. Interior shot of Scully concentrating on driving, Mulder looking out the window. Suddenly, something catches his eye.)

(shot from inside the car of a billboard, "Jonesborough Municipal Golf Course")

(Mulder starts to say something, thinks better of it, then shuts his mouth)

(shot from inside the car of another billboard, "Hey, Mulder, maybe the aliens would have landed here")

(Mulder takes this in)

(cut to the two of them getting out in a small parking lot. Scully is as before, Mulder has taken off the hat and put on his shirt, but has not put on his jacket or tie)

Scully: (irked) What do you mean, "acting on a hunch"?

Mulder: Scully, I just have a feeling. Lots of UFO sightings are connected to golf courses.

Scully: What, do they think we're easier to nab here? No, I know--they think we lay eggs, place them on tees, and then ceremonially hit them off into the wilderness to mature on their own.

Mulder: (shoots here a VERY dirty look)

Scully: Oh, come on now. And maybe the plaid trousers and ugly hats are some kind of mating display.

Mulder: Scully...just one walk through the links. That's all I ask.

Scully: (rolls her eyes, but gets dragged along anyway)

(cut to the two of them on some unidentifiable portion of the course)

Scully: Now what are we supposed to be looking for?

Mulder: Burn marks, most likely. Where the engines kicked in to facilitate landing.

Scully: (walking over to one side of the green; to herself) I don't know why I'm wasting...(suddenly, her eye is caught by something. Shot from behind her, we can't exactly see what she's looking at. She walks slowly, keeping her eye on something) Mulder? Come take a...

(With a loud "clong", she knocks her head into something invisible. Mulder catches her as she falls)

Mulder: (mouths the word "yes!" with no little ecstacy, then, concerned) Scully? Can you hear me Scully?

(Scully groans)

Mulder: Scully, are you all right?

Scully: I'm in the arms of a man whose idea of a good time is to chat about cattle mutilations. You tell me.

Mulder: Damn, you don't have amnesia. What happened? (helps her onto her feet)

Scully: I'm not sure. (wanders to where the two were walking) I was over here, I asked you about what to look for...then I walked over here. That's right, I saw this kind of funny mark on the ground.

Mulder: Where?

Scully: Over here. (indicates where she got hit on the head) So then I was walking over to take a look, when...

("clong", and she blacks out)

[so do we. Fade to black]

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[fade up on a shot of a screen. From face on, it shows Mulder and Scully pounding away at something invisible...but it's shot at such an angle that we would have to be in the invisible thing to see them so]

(pull back to show a group of four beings gathered around the monitor. The black Englishman with long hair is Dave Lister, the last man alive. The man who doesn't exist is a hologram of Arnold Rimmer, Lister's former roommate. The mechanoid is Kryten, a former sanitation mechanoid. The other black being, in rather heavily sequinned duds, is The Cat, a creature evolved from a cat)

Lister: Smegging hell, we've been sussed.

Rimmer: What did I tell you, Lister? Go to the authorities before the authorities come to us, it'll save a lot of time and problems.

Lister: Easy for you to say. You couldn't find anywhere to park either.

Cat: Hey, who are these people, anyway?

Kryten: The gentleman, I believe, is one Admiral William Riker, of Star Fleet. He was known to smirk at the first sign of danger and to fearlessly lead his nipples into combat. What a stroke of luck!

Holly (the ship's computer): (voice over) Nah, those are two FBI agents.

Lister: What? You can't be serious, Hol, being illegally parked isn't that big a crime.

Kryten: Perhaps they are simply investigating the appearance of the time hole, sirs.

(cut to a blond woman's [Holly's] head, on a screen)

Holly: Got him. (As though she were reading it) Mulder, Fox. Special Agent, Federal Bureau of Investigation. Career highlights, education, blah blah blah..."Died under unusual though hillarious circumstances after..." Gordon Bennet, I've never seen them bend THAT direction before!

(cut back to the group)

Rimmer: So who is that with him?

Holly: That must be his partner, Special Agent Dana Scully. If it is, we must have landed in the 1990's, as she ran off with a man from a writers' workshop sometime after the year 2000.

Lister: The 1990's...so you miffed the Holly Hop by quite a bit, didn't you?

Holly: Sorry boys.

Kryten: If I may, might I suggest that we invite them in and explain the situation to them. Perhaps they could then offer us assistance.

Cat: What if we don't tell them?

Kryten: Then the US armed forces could show up at any moment.

Lister: Enough of this. Holly, give me external PA.

(cut outside. Mulder and Scully are talking)

Mulder: OK, we've got something invisible in the middle of a golf course, tied...

Scully: POSSIBLY tied...

Mulder: ...to the sudden appearance of a big orange swirly thing. I'm not sure this is covered in the normal training manual.

Scully: We're outsiders here. We should probably alert the local constabulary, allow them to investigate, notify our supiriors...

Mulder: Tell other departments in the government once we have a grasp of...

(sound of a PA system coming on. Mulder and Scully look up in its general direction)

Lister: (voice over) We come in peace! Take us to your leaders!

(brief pause. All of the following is in voice over)

Cat: You idiot! Where the hell did that come from?

Lister: I just thought it was appropriate, you know?

Rimmer: Well, now you've gone and done it. What'll they think of us now?

(Mulder and Scully exchange a look, then draw their guns and point them in the direction of the PA)

All: (voice over) Don't shoot!

Mulder: Come out with your hands where we can see them!

(a pause. Nothing happens)

Lister: (off screen) Yo, matey! Over here!

(pan across to see the group of four, about 10 meters off the ground. Their hands are obediantly raised)

Kryten: If you would like, we could put down a ladder so you can come up and search us.

Cat: Hey! Are you a woman?

(cut to Starbug interior. The Boyz come through the entryway, followed by a rather confused Mulder and Scully. They have put away their guns)

Scully: Mulder, this is hard for me to say...but I take back just about everything I every said about you being a fruit bat.

Mulder: Save your breath. They haven't started dissecting us.

Kryten: (nervously) Sir, rest assured, your comfort and care are of the highest importance to us.

Mulder: What, are you going to fatten us up for slaughter and feed us to your little bug-eyed children?

Lister: What is he going on about?

Rimmer: I think he thinks we're aliens. (triumphant) You see, Lister? Another intelligent, well-rounded individual who believes in aliens!

Cat: Intelligent and well-rounded? Who was the first one?

Kryten: Um, perhaps introductions might be propitious at this time. My name is Kryten, I'm the service mechanoid. These are Dave Lister, the late Arnold Rimmer, and the Cat.

Mulder: The late Arnold Rimmer?

Lister: Yeah, he's a hologram! (waves his arm through Rimmer to prove his point)

Rimmer: Do you mind, Lister? You're not even a qualified doctor.

Holly: Oy, you forgot to mention me.

Kryten: Ah, yes, this is Holly, the ship's computer. Her IQ is approximately 6000.

Holly: Same as the collective IQ of the last 6000 Scottish Cup teams.

Mulder: (still a bit on edge) Um...I'm Special Agent Fox Mulder, this is my partner, Dana Scully.

Scully: If you don't mind my asking...just what are you doing, invisbled, on a golf course?

(pan around golf course)

(caption: TIME PASSES)

(cut back to interior. The ice has been broken a little. All are seated, except for Mulder, who is pacing back and forth)

Mulder: Let me see if I have this straight. You, Lister, are the last human alive after the radiation leak. Holly regenerated Rimmer as a companion for you. The Cat evolved from your cat Frankenstein. You picked up Kryten from a derilict ship...

Lister: Spot on.

Mulder: In an effort to return to your own time period, you used a device called a Holly hop drive. The idea being, to hop in time and space at once.

Holly: Yep. Me pride and joy.

Mulder: (picks up a small box labeled "Holly Hop Drive" with a prominent button on the top) This. You just pushed this button...

Holly: (shrieks) DON'T TOUCH THAT! It's set for the Mesozoic at the moment.

Mulder: (puts down the box) You know, I really can't believe you. You're blindly following a disembodied head that claims to have an IQ of 6000, but appears to have an IQ that would be severely challenged at "Pong".

Holly: Ooh, that's personal.

Scully: Mulder, calm down a bit. I've got a suggestion: why don't I go over Holly's physics equasions with her? I know a thing or two about the subject, I suppose I could figure it out.

Holly: No offense, luv, but trying to explain the laws of post-2020 physics to anyone is a bit like explaining a solar cell to George III. Still, if you want to, come on up to the cockpit and we can have a chat.

Scully: OK. Mulder, can you keep yourself busy until we're done?

Mulder: Look, you know what I want? I want some physical proof (to Rimmer) I'll let you guys get off scot free--no parking ticket, no write up, nothing--if you can let me have some physical proof you've been here.

Rimmer: It's a deal, Mulder. Lister, get something for the man, will you?

Lister: Nah, have Cat get you something. Kryten and I are off to strech our legs. (To Mulder) I...um...don't suppose I could bum a few--dollars, right?--off of you? For a snack?

Mulder: (feeling a bit better) Yeah, no problem. (gives Lister a bill)

Lister: (smirks, looking at the picture) So she hasn't gotten on the twenty yet? C'mon, Kryten. (they head for the door)

Mulder: So, um...Cat, can you get something for me?

Cat: For you? For YOU? (grabs Mulder's collar) I'm supposed to do a favor for a guy who leaves his top button unbuttoned? (pulls the shirt's neck toward him) What else do you have under there? Gold medallions? A chest hair wig?

Mulder: Hey, back off!

(as he steps back, the Cat pulls the shirt. The force is too much, and the buttons come flying off, exposing the t-shirt. Cat reads it and his eyes bulge)

Cat: (a note of terror in his voice) Hey, you just...uh..keep your distance, OK? No harm to anyone, all right? (he runs off in the direction of the lower decks)

Mulder: Hey, wait! Cat!

Rimmer: Cat! (they run after him)

Scully: (laughing) My, what a trio they make.

Holly: They should get along swimmingly. Cup of something, luv?

Scully: Coffee. (walks over to the food synthesizer as it comes down)

(cockpit shot. Scully enters)

Holly: You seem a bit more cheerful.

Scully: Yes, it's so good to chat with another woman. You don't meet many in this job. I mean, Mulder can be sweet sometimes, but...

Holly: Oh, men are all alike, really. Run into some real pigs, day-to- day?

Scully: (slurps) Don't get me started. There's this one guy in the office...

[fade out]

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(we see he is looking at the "unmarked car". Lister turns to Kryten)

Lister: You know, Kryten? You could really impress these FBI guys if you washed their car for them.

Kryten: You think so, sir?

Lister: Oh, yeah, yeah. You could start right now, even. There's the bucket in the back of their car, and you've got your steel wool pad with you.

Kryten: But sir, the steel wool would surely scrach the paint.

Lister: I'm sure the car could stand a new paint job. Just look at it.

Kryten: The only color paint we have is Starbug Green, sir. And it's interior, latex paint.

Lister: So if they don't like it, it will come right off.

Kryten: (thinks) You really do think so, sir?

Lister: Absolutely.

Kryten: Well, I'll be seeing you later, then. Ta ta!

Lister: Later, Kryten.

(cut to Starbug interior. Rimmer, Cat and Mulder are arguing)

Cat: OK, fine, as long as you get away from me.

Mulder: That's no problem. I just want something that clearly shows that this is an advanced technology that could never have been made on Earth.

Cat: What?

Rimmer: He wants neat stuff.

Cat: Oh. Well, maybe.

Mulder: Fine. (looks around him, then becomes fixed by some thing on the wall) Would you take a look at that!

(he walks over to it. It is an ornate switch of some nature)

Mulder: That's the most increadible thing I've ever seen! What do you call it?

Cat: I call it the light switch.

Mulder: (catches on) So I couldn't take it with me?

Cat: No. You see, the thing about it is, it controls the lights. When I want light, I need that switch to flip up. Then when I don't want light, I need that switch to flip down.

Rimmer: (to Cat) God, what kind of a noodle brain would make that mistake?

(Mulder is looking for something else. He comes up with what looks like a hockey puck the size of a frisbee with a large lens on the top)

Mulder: What does this do? (he puts it on the ground and flicks a switch. A hologramatic model of the solar system, with the planets at their exact positions in the current time, pops on) This is incredible! I'm taking this with me!

Cat: It's mine.

Mulder: What?

Cat: You see this hand? It is mine. You see that lens thing? It is mine. (to prove his point he brings out an aerosol spray can and spirizes it) MINE.

Mulder: (reacts to the smell) OK, um...(goes out of shot) well, what about this?

Cat: That's mine too!

(cut to the cockpit. There are about three coffee mugs around. Scully isn't looking the worse for wear...yet)

Scully: Keith Stonevein...Keith Stonevein... no, I can't say that name rings a bell.

Holly: Blimey, you're right luv. He's not even born until 2003, and even then as Albert Perriwinkle IV.

Scully: Oh, well, don't worry. Let's see, "Great Butts of the end of the 20th century"...Well, Antonio Banderas has a good body, but he looks like the south end of a northbound marmot...

(cut to a bank. A smart looking young woman is talking to Lister)

Ariadne: Now then, Mr...Lister, that's right?

Lister: Yeah, Dave Lister.

Ariadne: Dave. OK, now it's normally against our policy to open up a savings account with only $20.

Lister: Yeah, I can understand that, ma'am. But this is my _first_ money, since I've been working here in America. When I took the boat over here, I had nothing. I want to save this, forever, so I'll never be broke again.

Ariadne: That's what you said, Dave, and it is quite a story. But we simply cannot start a savings accound without some additional funds.

Lister: Ariadne, I'm begging you to give me a chance. What about that bloke who started that bank out somewhere? Wasn't he an immigrant?

Ariadne: Oh, you mean the founding of Bank of America?

Lister: (faking it) That's the one!

Ariadne: The issue isn't your origin, Dave. It's that you just don't have enough cash. But...I guess if you're so eager to do business with us, I could make you a deal. If you set up a Certificate of Deposit with us, and hold the money for at least two years, I suppose I can bend the rules a bit. You won't have any access to it for those two years, though. Is that a problem?

Lister: Not at all.

Ariadne: Well, then, let me see what I can do. Do you have identification?

Lister: Oh, yeah, right here.

(hands her a card. It has "ID CARD" written on it in bold letters. Lister's picture is in one corner. Basically, it looks like anyone with access to a laminator could have done the job in under 10 minutes)

(cut to the rear of Starbug. Rimmer, Mulder and Scully are all circled around an open locker)

Cat: Take it.

Rimmer: Please.

Mulder: But a guitar doensn't prove a thing.

Cat: You don't understand. Just take it.

Mulder: I want to keep looking.

Rimmer: (under his breath) Damn!

(cut to the car. It is in positively awful shape--evidentally, Kryten rather needs to be talked to about the purpose of chrome)

Kryten: But now the interior doesn't match...although we've got those old curtains...

(cut to the door of the bank. Lister and Ariadne are coming out together)

Lister: So all I have to do is just leave it in there, and it will automatically be reinvested?

Ariadne: Absolutely. You don't have a thing to worry about, Dave.

Lister: Great. (extends a hand, and they shake) It has been a real pleasure doing business with you, Ariadne. Hope to see you in the future!

Ariadne: Bye! (looks after him. To herself) Why on Earth I let him get away with that I'll never know.

(a teller comes out)

Teller: Ariadne?

Ariadne: Yes, Jessica?

Teller: A Mr. Kochanski on line 2.

Ariadne: Oh, wonderful, it's Kris. I'll take it in my office.

(cut to the rear of Starbug)

Mulder: It's perfect. (he has a box under his arm)

Rimmer: I'm glad you think so.

Cat: Is he going to miss it?

Rimmer: Not for at least 3 months.

(they are interrupted as Kryten and Lister come in)

Lister: Well, find something?

Mulder: (thrilled) You bet. Got any change?

Lister: Nah, I decided to tip.

Kryten: Maybe I'd better see how Holly and the special agent are getting along.

Rimmer: Ah, Kryten, I think you'd best not go in there.

Kryten: Is something the matter?

(cut to cockpit. There is an enormous number of cups around. Scully has a rather tense expression, and is holding a cup in her hands tightly. Quick cut to Holly, with a similar expression, then back to Scully. Scully tosses back whatever's in her cup, slurps twice, crunches for a few seconds, then puts the empty cup upside-down on her head)

Holly: My shout.

(Holly's head disappears from the screen, and is replaced by the following dialogue boxes, in quick sucession:

BEVERAGE SIMULATION

COFFEE SUBMENU

747--7 SHOTS ESPRESSO, 4 SHOTS HERSHEY'S SYRUP

ARE YOU DAMN SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

(yes) [NO]

"Yes" flashes, to indicate that it has been selected, then boxes disappear. Holly's head goes flipping around the screen like a slot machine, then goes through the reverse explosion routine from "DNA", except that Holly reforms without any aparent change)

Scully: Flinch.

Holly: Smeg. I lose. But in front of the boys?

Scully: You don't, if you wear the wrap and a tiara.

Holly: (resigned) Fine. (her head disappears, to reappear a moment later in a large wig, a tiara, and with a feather boa around her neck. She starts singing "Old Fashioned Girl" by Eartha Kitt)

Scully: Louder.

(pan across the golf course. twilight)

(caption: VOTE GREEN PARTY IN '96)

(cut to the crew helping walk Mulder and Scully to the car)

Mulder: I think I should drive.

Scully: You do whatever the hell you want. You always get to, don't you? You men run the world already, and that isn't good enough for you. Jerk.

Mulder: Don't worry, we're almost to the car, and OH MY GOD!

(we see the car. Everything below the windshield is fuscia, the interior has been redone in a blue print with daisies, and "Federal Bureau of Investigation has been panel-beaten into the hood)

Kryten: (proudly) I emblazoned it myself. Wonderful, isn't it?

(Scully breaks down in tears)

(night. Mulder and Scully are driving to Washington. From their behavior, it's apparent that they haven't spoken for several hours)

Scully: Mulder?

Mulder: Mmm?

Scully: What's in this box?

Mulder: It's my physical evidence.

(she reaches down and opens the box)

Scully: It's a sock.

Mulder: There are organic compounds on that sock that couldn't have come from Earth. I'm going to have the boys in the lab analyze it.

Scully: (as though she hadn't heard him) It's a _sock_.

Mulder: I bashed one of the lockers to smithereenes with it.

Scully: It's a sock.

[fade to black]

Coming up next, on The Simpsons--Bart comes out of the closet, with hillarious consequences.

(establishing shot of Washington DC)

(caption: MY LORD, THE EARTHLINGS ARE UNAWARE THAT I HAVE INFILTRATED THE PROGRAM. WE MAY PROCEED WITH OUR PLANS FOR INVASION)

(interior of Mulder's office. Enter Scully, with an enormous ice bag on her head)

Scully: Morning, Mulder.

(quick cut to Mulder. He is sitting in one corner of the room with his legs drawn up and his chin on his knees--on a stool)

Scully: Well, I really don't know what to say, Mulder. Maybe that explains one hell of a lot of your paranormal activity, you know? Kids borrow Mom and Dad's space ship, go back in time, fertilize a few women while wearing silly suits, it could work. Right Mulder? Mulder? (becomes aware that Mulder is unresponsive) Hello? Fox?

Mulder: They covered it up.

Scully: What?

Mulder: The sock. They covered up the sock.

Scully: (momentarially surpressing her conspiracy theory knee-jerk reaction) Who covered it up?

Mulder: The Environmental Protection Agency. "For the good of the people" they said. "Dangerous in the wrong hands" they said. (starts getting a bit emotional) But I'll show them! I'll prove them wrong! It's physical evidence! They do exist! They killed Hoffa! I'll show them! (starts crying. Scully walks over and gives him a hug. It doesn't help)

(Red Dwarf theme song, played with that wierd spooky whistle sound)

FIN

Copyright 1995 Daniel Snyder. Permission given to distribute this around the internet in digital/binary/e-mail form, but publication in any other form is strictly prohibited. Any resemblance between persons living, deceased, or brought back is purely coincidental. Red Dwarf, The X- Files, and related characters are the property of the BBC and 20th Century Fox Television, but I can make references to them because this is parody and it's covered by the 1st ammendment, so don't bother sending your lawyers around because I've got a head cold and they'll get sick.