Ideas stolen from: Monty Python's Flying Circus, Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Spoilers: Oodles.

Stupidity: Massive.

Apologies to: Andrew Hwang.

NEON GENESIS PYTHONGELION by Daniel Snyder

"I wish to register a complaint! Yo, dude!"

"What do you mean, 'Yo, dude'?"

"I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to complain about this Ayanami which I purchased not a half hour ago from this very boutique."

"Ah, the Japanese Blue. Is something wrong with her?"

"Yes. She's dead, that's what's wrong with her."

"No, she's just asleep."

"Look, Dr. Akagi. I know a dead Ayanami when I'm seeing one..."

*flop*

"...and I'm looking at one right now."

"She's just asleep, Commander."

"All right. If she's asleep, I'll wake her up. HELLO, REI AYANAMI! I'VE GOT A NICE CUP OF VEGETARIAN RAMEN FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP! YUM, YUM!"

*whump*

"There! You see that! She moved!"

"That was you jostling the table!"

"Well! I never!...All right, I was."

"HELLO, REI AYANAMI!"

*whamwhamwhamwham*

"OHAYOOOOO GOZAIMASUUUUUU!"

*whamwhamwhamwham*

"Now that's what I call a dead Ayanami."

"She's stunned."

"Stunned?"

"Yeah. You stunned her just as she was waking up. Ne, what an Ayanami, Commander? Lovely blue hair."

"Her hair doesn't enter into it, I've had about as much of this as I care to take. That Ayanami is stone dead. And yet when I brought her out of here not a half hour ago, you assured me that her total lack of movement was a result of her being tired and shagged out after hugging an Angel with three N2 mines shoved down her Eva's gullet."

"Um...she's probably pining for the LCL tank."

"Pining for the LCL tank? What kind of nonsense is that? Look, why was her plug suit stapled onto her?"

"Because...if it wasn't, she'd become so enthralled about fighting that she'd tear off the suit, get out of the Eva, and go 'Yarg!' tearing off after the Angel."

"'Yarg'?"

"'Yarg'."

"Ritsuko, this Ayanami wouldn't go 'Yarg' if you pumped her full of amphetamines. Now I want a replacement, and I want it now."

"No, she's just pining..."

"She is NOT pining. She's dead. She's sent out for take-out for the last time. She's switched the flaps on her kimono. She's shuffled off to Tokyo-2. Today was a good day to die, and she took them up on the offer. She's beyond the help of modern medicine, science, and even Washu. She hasn't got Akira. The Qiometer on her reads Nought. Kore de shida no da. She has been punished in the name of the Moon, and the Moon Scepter has Eliminated. This is a Dead-Type Ayanami!"

"Well, I'd better replace her then."

"Damn. In this town, you've got to go 'blah blah blah' until you're blue in the bloody face. Or hair. Well, Doctor, what news?"

"I've had a look around back, and we're fresh out of Ayanamis."

"I see. I see. I get the picture."

"I've got a penguin."

"SQUAWK!"

"Can it pilot an Eva?"

"SQUARK! SQUAWK! WAAAK!"

"Oh, yeah."

"Right, I'll have that one, then."

Copyright 1999 Daniel Snyder. Permission to duplicate in any digital/binary/e-mail form; however, any physical printout is strictly prohibited. Shin Seiki/Neon Genesis Evangelion by Gainax. Monty Python's Flying Circus by Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd. and the BBC. Any resemblance to persons living, dead, or repeatedly brought back to life is purely coincidental.

Did I say "Apologies" to Andrew Hwang? I meant to say "Lots of Apologies" to Andrew Hwang. Gomen, gomen, gomen...